Friday, October 19, 2012
Benefits of Having Alzheimer's Disease
5. You never have to watch reruns on television.
4. You are always meeting new people.
3. You don't have to remember the whines and complaints of
your spouse.
2. You can hide your own Easter eggs.
1. Mysteries are always interesting.
Bad Temper Problem
Patient: Doctor, you must help me. I'm under such a lot of
stress, I keep losing my temper with people.
Doctor: Tell me about your problem.
Patient: I just did, didn't I, you stupid fool!!
Saturday, October 13, 2012
The Anti-Blonde Store
A blonde goes into a nearby store and asks a clerk if she
can buy the TV in the corner.
The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn't serve
blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black.
The next day she returns to the store and asks the same
thing, and again, the clerk said he doesn't serve blondes.
Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet
again, to a shade of red.
Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she
returns and asks a different clerk this time.
To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn't
serve blondes.
The blonde asks the clerk, "How in the world do you
know I am a blonde?"
The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says,"That's not
a TV -- it's a microwave!"
Top 10 Ways to Annoy Your Waiter
10. Eight hour lunch, two dollar tip.
9. Ask, "Excuse me, are you a really bad singer, or a
really bad actor?"
8. After he describes each special, you shout,
"Garbage!"
7. Whenever he walks by, cough and mutter, "Minimum
wage".
6. Every few seconds, yell, "More waffles, Cuomo!"
5. Insist that before ordering, you be allowed to touch the
London broil.
4. Tie tablecloth around neck and say, "You wouldn't
charge Superman for dinner, would you?"
3. Every time you eat or drink, cough really hard.
2. As he walks by to the kitchen, scream, "He's gonna
spit in the chowder!"
1. Three words: eat the check.
Monday, October 8, 2012
Tell the Whole Truth
Mr. Dewey was briefing his client, who was about to testify
in his own defense.
"You must swear to tell the complete truth. Do you
understand?"
The client replied that he did.
Then lawyer then asked, "Do you know what will happen
if you don't tell the truth?"
The client looked back and said, "I imagine that our
side will win."
Ounces of Brain For Sale
A man went to a brain store to get some brain to complete a
study. He sees a sign remarking on the quality of professional brain offered
at this particular brain store. He begins to question the butcher about the
cost of these brains.
"How much does it cost for engineer brain?"
"Three dollars an ounce."
"How much does it cost for programmer brain?"
"Four dollars an ounce."
"How much for lawyer brain?"
"$1,000 an ounce."
"Why is lawyer brain so much more?"
"Do you know how many lawyers we had to kill to get one
ounce of brain?"
Saturday, October 6, 2012
Swallowed Can Opener
My son swallowed the can opener...
Mrs. Smith: Help me, doctor! My son, John, swallowed the can
opener!
Doctor: Don't panic. He'll be alright.
Mrs. Smith: But how do I open the can of beans?! The toast
is getting cold!
Good News and Bad News
Patient: I'm in a hospital! Why am I in here?
Doctor: You've had an accident involving a bus.
Patient: What happened?
Doctor: Well, I've got some good news and some bad news.
Which would you like to hear first?
Patient: Give me the bad news first.
Doctor: Your legs were injured so badly that we had to
amputate both of them.
Patient: That's terrible! What's the good news?
Doctor: There's a guy in the next ward who made a very good
offer on your slippers.
Thursday, October 4, 2012
The Wrong Bus
A drunken man gets on the bus
late one night, staggers up the aisle, and sits next to an elderly woman.
She looks the man up and down and
says, "I've got news for you. You're going straight to hell!"
The man jumps up out of his seat
and shouts, "Man, I'm on the wrong bus!"
Tuesday, October 2, 2012
Liver and Cheese
The Chihuahua, a Doberman and a Bulldog are in a
bar having a drink when a great-looking female Collie comes up to them and says,
"Whoever can say liver and cheese in a sentence can have me."
So the Doberman says, "I love liver and cheese."
The Collie replies, "That's not good enough."
The Bulldog says, "I hate liver and cheese." She
says, "That's not creative enough."
Finally, the Chihuahua says, "Liver alone . . . cheese
mine."
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