If you don't want to sell old laptop, you can still use it for a totally different purpose!
Sunday, December 9, 2012
Sorry for Eating the Peanuts
A man visits his aunt in the nursing home. It turns out that
she is taking a nap, so he just sits down in a chair in her room, flips through
a few magazines, and munches on some peanuts sitting in a bowl on the table.
Eventually, the aunt wakes up, and her nephew realizes he's
absentmindedly finished the entire bowl. "I'm so sorry, auntie, I've eaten
all of your peanuts!"
"That's okay, dearie," the aunt replied.
"After I've sucked the chocolate off, I don't care for them anyway."
Tuesday, November 27, 2012
The Thug Life
Your kid actually has more options when it comes to eyeglasses.
Check out http://www.kidseyeglasses.org now!
Check out http://www.kidseyeglasses.org now!
New Kitchen Cabinets
Jolene had been wanting new kitchen cabinets for a long
time, but her husband insisted they were an extravagance.
She went to visit her mother for two weeks, and when she returned,
she was overjoyed to find that beautiful, new cabinets had been installed.
A few days later, a neighbor came over to visit. After
admiring the new kitchen storage cabinets, the neighbor added, “All of us were so glad that the
fire your husband had while you were gone was confined to the kitchen.”
Monday, November 26, 2012
Trouble sleeping
The woman seated herself in the psychiatrists office.
"What seems to be the problem?" the doctor asked.
"Well, I, uh," she stammered. "I think I, uh,
might be a nymphomaniac."
"I see," he said. "I can help you, but I must
advise you that my fee is $80 an hour."
"That's not bad," she replied. "How much for
all night?"
Friday, November 16, 2012
Annoyed Ex-Boyfriend
The soldier serving in Hong Kong was annoyed and upset when
his girl wrote breaking off their engagement and asking for her photograph
back.
He went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted
photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together and sent
them back with a note saying, "I regret to inform you that I cannot
remember which one is you -- please keep your photo and return the
others."
Friday, October 19, 2012
Benefits of Having Alzheimer's Disease
5. You never have to watch reruns on television.
4. You are always meeting new people.
3. You don't have to remember the whines and complaints of
your spouse.
2. You can hide your own Easter eggs.
1. Mysteries are always interesting.
Bad Temper Problem
Patient: Doctor, you must help me. I'm under such a lot of
stress, I keep losing my temper with people.
Doctor: Tell me about your problem.
Patient: I just did, didn't I, you stupid fool!!
Saturday, October 13, 2012
The Anti-Blonde Store
A blonde goes into a nearby store and asks a clerk if she
can buy the TV in the corner.
The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn't serve
blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black.
The next day she returns to the store and asks the same
thing, and again, the clerk said he doesn't serve blondes.
Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet
again, to a shade of red.
Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she
returns and asks a different clerk this time.
To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn't
serve blondes.
The blonde asks the clerk, "How in the world do you
know I am a blonde?"
The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says,"That's not
a TV -- it's a microwave!"
Top 10 Ways to Annoy Your Waiter
10. Eight hour lunch, two dollar tip.
9. Ask, "Excuse me, are you a really bad singer, or a
really bad actor?"
8. After he describes each special, you shout,
"Garbage!"
7. Whenever he walks by, cough and mutter, "Minimum
wage".
6. Every few seconds, yell, "More waffles, Cuomo!"
5. Insist that before ordering, you be allowed to touch the
London broil.
4. Tie tablecloth around neck and say, "You wouldn't
charge Superman for dinner, would you?"
3. Every time you eat or drink, cough really hard.
2. As he walks by to the kitchen, scream, "He's gonna
spit in the chowder!"
1. Three words: eat the check.
Monday, October 8, 2012
Tell the Whole Truth
Mr. Dewey was briefing his client, who was about to testify
in his own defense.
"You must swear to tell the complete truth. Do you
understand?"
The client replied that he did.
Then lawyer then asked, "Do you know what will happen
if you don't tell the truth?"
The client looked back and said, "I imagine that our
side will win."
Ounces of Brain For Sale
A man went to a brain store to get some brain to complete a
study. He sees a sign remarking on the quality of professional brain offered
at this particular brain store. He begins to question the butcher about the
cost of these brains.
"How much does it cost for engineer brain?"
"Three dollars an ounce."
"How much does it cost for programmer brain?"
"Four dollars an ounce."
"How much for lawyer brain?"
"$1,000 an ounce."
"Why is lawyer brain so much more?"
"Do you know how many lawyers we had to kill to get one
ounce of brain?"
Saturday, October 6, 2012
Swallowed Can Opener
My son swallowed the can opener...
Mrs. Smith: Help me, doctor! My son, John, swallowed the can
opener!
Doctor: Don't panic. He'll be alright.
Mrs. Smith: But how do I open the can of beans?! The toast
is getting cold!
Good News and Bad News
Patient: I'm in a hospital! Why am I in here?
Doctor: You've had an accident involving a bus.
Patient: What happened?
Doctor: Well, I've got some good news and some bad news.
Which would you like to hear first?
Patient: Give me the bad news first.
Doctor: Your legs were injured so badly that we had to
amputate both of them.
Patient: That's terrible! What's the good news?
Doctor: There's a guy in the next ward who made a very good
offer on your slippers.
Thursday, October 4, 2012
The Wrong Bus
A drunken man gets on the bus
late one night, staggers up the aisle, and sits next to an elderly woman.
She looks the man up and down and
says, "I've got news for you. You're going straight to hell!"
The man jumps up out of his seat
and shouts, "Man, I'm on the wrong bus!"
Tuesday, October 2, 2012
Liver and Cheese
The Chihuahua, a Doberman and a Bulldog are in a
bar having a drink when a great-looking female Collie comes up to them and says,
"Whoever can say liver and cheese in a sentence can have me."
So the Doberman says, "I love liver and cheese."
The Collie replies, "That's not good enough."
The Bulldog says, "I hate liver and cheese." She
says, "That's not creative enough."
Finally, the Chihuahua says, "Liver alone . . . cheese
mine."
Saturday, September 29, 2012
The Wish
Two men died and went to Heaven. St. Peter greeted them, and
said "I'm sorry, gentlemen, but your mansions aren't ready yet. Until they
are, I can send you back to Earth as whatever you want to be."
"Great!" said the first guy, "I want to be an
eagle soaring above beautiful scenery!"
"No problem," replied St. Peter, and POOF! The guy
was gone. "And what do you want to be," St. Peter asked the other
guy.
"I'd like to be one cool stud!" was the reply.
"Easy," replied St. Peter, and the other guy was
gone.
After a few months, their mansions were finished, and St.
Peter sent an angel to fetch them back. "You'll find them easily," he
says, "One of them is soaring above the Grand Canyon, and the other one is
on a snow tire somewhere in Detroit!"
Friday, September 28, 2012
Interview in Heaven
Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound
up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get
into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question.
St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was
the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie
about it."
The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the
Titanic." St. Peter let him through the gate.
St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven
didn't *really* need all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided
to make the question a little harder: "How many people died on the
ship?"
Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie.
"1,228," he answered.
"That's right! You may enter."
St. Peter turned to the lawyer. "Name them."
Wife Names
St. Peter is questioning three married couples to see if
they qualify for admittance to heaven.
"Why do you deserve to pass the Pearly Gates?" he
asks one of the men, who had been a butler.
"I was a good father," he answers.
"Yes, but you were a drunk all your life. In fact, you
were so bad you even married a woman named Sherry. No admittance."
St. Peter then turned to the next man, a carpenter, and
asked him the same question.
The carpenter replied that he had worked hard and taken good
care of his family.
But St. Peter also rejected him, pointing out that he had
been an impossible glutton, so much so that he married a woman named BonBon.
At this point the third man, who had been a lawyer, stood up
and said, "Come on, Penny, let’s get out of here."
God's Reason
A man dies and goes to Heaven. He gets to meet GOD and asks
GOD if he can ask him a few questions.
"Sure," GOD says, "Go right ahead".
"OK," the man says. "Why did you make women
so pretty?"
GOD says, "So you would like them."
"OK," the guy says. "But how come you made
them so beautiful?"
"So you would LOVE them", GOD replies.
The man ponders a moment and then asks, "But why did
you make them such airheads?"
GOD says, "So they would love you!
Saturday, September 22, 2012
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